Script: Peer Pressure Among Boys & Integrity
You see a text on your tween’s phone from one of his friends bragging about his sexual exploits and/or making degrading statements about girls. Empower your tween to stand up to peer pressure when it comes to degrading sexual behaviors. Instead of starting a discussion by confronting your tween about a text conversation, start with an open-ended question to find out more: “Now that you are in middle school, you’ve probably heard your friends talking about girls and sex. What kinds of things are they saying?”
“I don’t know…mostly they brag about girls liking them and doing things with girls – not sex! Sometimes they talk about their older brothers having sex with girls.”
Reflect what your tween said and what you know from reading the text: “They are not always nice when talking about girls.”
“No, especially certain people.”
Empathize with the situation: “You want to fit in with your friends and it can be hard not to talk that way about girls when some of your friends are doing it.”
“I laugh with them, but it doesn’t feel right.”
Provide an affirmation: “It doesn’t feel right because you care about people and have a lot of personal integrity. Those are great qualities in a man.”
Smiles*
Ask permission to share information. This shows respect for your tween and causes him to listen more closely to what you are saying. “Can I share some things with you?”
“Sure.”
“You are at a point now that you will be making decisions about what kind of man you will become.”
“I guess.”
Provide information simply, one idea at a time, and let your tween respond: “Hook-up sex is about conquest. If guys view girls as ‘notches in their belt,’ or look at them as if they are an object to be used, they will have a hard time building close relationships and connections with girls. Yet that’s what most people hope for—something great.”
“I never really thought about it before.”
Continue to provide information simply: “A big part of becoming a man is deciding what you want in relationships and what you are not OK with, and then having the ability to stand up to people who are not acting with integrity.”
“How would I do that?”
Provide some suggestions. “It depends on how comfortable you are with the person. A few options you have would be to walk away, change the subject, or say something like ‘that’s really messed up.’” Then ask what your tween thinks would work for him: “What do you think would work for you?”
“Knowing my friends, I could just say something like ‘that’s really messed up’ and they would get that I’m not OK with what they are saying.”
Support their self-efficacy: “I’m so proud that you have the confidence to stand up for what you know is right.”
responding to resistance from tweens
What if the above conversation doesn’t go smoothly? Here’s an alternative way to keep the conversation flowing.
“Now that you are in middle school, you’ve probably heard your friends talking about girls and sex. What kinds of things are they saying?”
“I don’t know…we don’t talk about sex.”
Reflect what you know from reading the text without identifying the actual tween: “Boys are not always nice when talking about girls.”
“What do you mean?”
“Sometimes boys think it is cool to call girls ‘sluts’ or talk about having sex with them and laugh with their friends.”
“You always think we are doing something bad!”
Empathize with the situation: “It is normal for people to want to fit in with their friends, and it can be hard not to talk that way about girls when some of your friends are doing it.”
“I don’t even know what you are talking about right now.”
Ask permission to share information. This shows respect for your tween and causes him to listen more closely to what you are saying. “Can I share some things with you?”
“Can I say ‘no’?”
Don’t respond to your tween’s attempt to draw you into an argument. The goal is to share information that will help him make more positive decisions: “You are at a point now that you will be making decisions about what kind of man you will become.”
“Yeah.”
Provide information simply, one idea at a time, and let your tween respond: “Hook-up sex is about conquest. If guys view girls as ‘notches in their belt,’ or look at them as if they are an object to be used, they will have a hard time building close relationships and connections with girls. Yet that’s what most people hope for, and it can be great.”
“I don’t even have a girl I am talking to.”
Continue to provide information simply: “A big part of becoming a man is deciding what you want in relationships and what you are not OK with even before you are in a relationship. It is also important to stand up to people who are talking about girls negatively.”
“Hmmm…”
Provide some suggestions. “It can be hard to go against your friends. A few options you have would be to walk away, change the subject, or say something like ‘that’s really messed up.’” Then ask what your tween thinks would work for him: “What do you think would work for you?”
“I don’t know.”
Provide an affirmation: “You have the self-confidence to stand up for what you think is right.” Then support planning for future situations. “Take some time and think about what you will do when you are in a situation where you need to go against something your friends are doing or saying. Having a plan will make it easier for you to do the right thing at the time.”