Script: Sending and Receiving Nudes
“It can be hard to say ‘no’ when someone you really like is texting you and asking you to send them a picture or respond to a message you are not comfortable with.” Be sure to use a neutral tone of voice without sarcasm or turning this empathetic statement into a question. Allow for some silence while they consider your statement.
“Yeah, there was a girl at school that sent pictures to a boy and then other people saw them too.”
“I’m sure that girl thought the pictures were going to stay private. Once a picture or message is sent, you can’t take it back or control where it ends up.”
“A lot of the boy’s friends saw the pictures and they started sending her snapchats and tweets about it. The girls in our school were calling her a whore and a slut. She missed a bunch of days and when she came back I saw her crying in the bathroom.”
Be aware that young people often refer to sexual images (sexting) as ‘nudes’ or ‘naked pics’. Learn from your tween what terms they are using. “That sounds like a terrible situation. I would never want you to have to deal with that. What are some ways you could respond if someone you cared about asked you to send them a picture or sexual message?”
“I don’t know…maybe just text back ‘I don’t think so’?” Many times, tweens will default to ‘just say no’ because that is what they have been taught, but seldom do they actually follow through and just say ‘no’ in the moment.
It is important to listen carefully to their response and not to criticize any of their suggestions or ideas. You could respond with: “Sending ‘I don’t think so’ would definitely let them know you were not interested in sending them anything.” Then offer additional options by asking permission first: “Can I share some other ideas with you?”
“Sure.”
“If someone asks you to send them a picture or message that you are not comfortable saying ‘no’ to, try responding with humor. You could text back something like ‘haha’ and see if they will stop asking. You could even say something like ‘my mom and dad monitor my phone’.”
“Hmmm…that might work. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about saying ‘no’.”
“It’s good to have a few things you think you could do. Thinking about everything we talked about, what do you think you will do if you are ever asked to send something you are not comfortable with?”
“Maybe I will start by responding ‘haha’ and then see what happens. I guess it depends on who it is. If it is someone I don’t really know, I would just tell them ‘I don’t think so’ and block them.”
Reflect the plan back to your tween to elicit confirmation: “You are right. How you respond might be different depending on how well you know them. The law doesn’t see it that way though – legally, any nude sent, received or shared of someone under the age of 18, is seen as child pornography (child sexual exploitation material). Sometimes I see news articles about teens being prosecuted for doing something that they thought would be fun or help them keep their boyfriend or girlfriend happy.”
“Really? I didn’t realize it was such a big deal.”
“Uh-huh. The whole thing can get really messy, both legally and emotionally.” End with an affirmation: “You have good instincts and can protect yourself from anyone that wants to disrespect you.”
“Yes! No one is worth that drama!”
responding to resistance from tweens
Perhaps your tween is resistant to this discussion and tries to shut you out. Here are some ideas.
“I told you, I would just say ‘no’.”
Offer additional options by asking permission first: “Can I share some other ideas with you?”
“I don’t need any other ideas.”
Don’t get caught up in an argument here. Try reflecting what your tween shared again: “So, if anyone asks you to send them a nude or sexual message you would just say no?”
“Yes.”
“What if it was someone you really liked, and you didn’t want to come off as a prude.”
“I don’t know.”
“What about responding with humor. You could text back something like ‘haha’ and see if they will stop asking. You could even say something like ‘my mom and dad monitor my phone’.”
“Maybe.”
“It’s good to have a few things you think you could do if you were ever in that situation. The law takes it pretty seriously – legally, any nude sent, received or shared of someone under the age of 18, is seen as child pornography (also known as child sexual exploitation material). Sometimes I see news articles about teens being prosecuted for doing something that they thought would be fun or help them keep their boyfriend or girlfriend happy.”
“Yeah, but most of the time the law doesn’t get involved.”
“Perhaps. But either way, the whole thing can get really messy, both legally and emotionally.” End with an affirmation: “You are a strong person and can protect yourself from anyone that wants to disrespect you.”
“Definitely!”