Script #6: Understanding Sexual Pleasure

In this script, you will be speaking with your teen about sexual pleasure. You will be discussing the porn industry and how porn should never be used as a manual for pleasurable sex. Instead, you will be encouraging your child to explore and understand what gives them pleasure. In this way, you are preparing your teen to one day be able to discuss this with a partner—sharing what is pleasurable to them and listening to what pleasures their partner. 

This script will need to be adjusted according to your child’s gender and sexual orientation.

 I know we have talked about sex before, but there is a part of the story that we haven’t really discussed—sexual pleasure.

Are you serious? You are not really going there, are you?

Yeah, I am. When you first start wanting to be sexual with someone, it makes sense that you would want to know how it all works—what people do and what the physical feelings are all about. Unfortunately, many young people are getting that information from porn, and that can really set you up for some unpleasant sexual experiences.

Okay, so I won’t watch porn. Are we done?

Not yet. It’s important to know how biological men and women experience sexual pleasure and what porn really is.

Why can’t you just let me figure this out like everybody else does, like with my friends?

Of course, you are going to figure out a lot of this with your friends. But they are also trying to figure things out and may have a lot of misinformation. This issue is important, and I want to make sure you have the truth. Who knows? Your friends might come to you to get information! 

Yeah, that’s not going to happen.

The first thing you need to know is that sex should be pleasurable. Our bodies are designed for sex to be exciting and pleasurable. To experience that pleasure, you have to understand how your own body works.

You sound like you think I should be having sex.

Not at all! When you decide to be sexual with someone, it is going to be your private business. Ideally, this would be when you are legally of age and ready to consider the many ways to keep yourself emotionally and physically safe. We are going to have many conversations about how you make that decision in a thoughtful way. But right now, I’m making sure that you have the information you need so that when you think you’re ready, you know yourself well enough to know what you’re doing.

Can’t people just figure this out on their own?

The problem is, people have such a hard time talking about this that they end up getting misinformation that can lead to disappointment.

Like what?

Well, porn, for one. Lots of kids, and adults too, think sex should be what they see in porn, and that’s really messed up because porn is not a manual for good sex.

I really don’t want to talk to you about porn.

I get it, and it’s okay for you just to listen. You need to know that all porn is about making money. Most porn does that by giving men a visual stimulus that they can masturbate to and have the quickest possible orgasm.

Women watch porn, too.

That’s true. And what they are often seeing is a performance designed to stimulate men. Sex in porn is not the kind of sex that a woman would find pleasurable. Still, a lot of women walk away thinking that they should experience pleasure and orgasm that way.

That’s kind of messed up.

The truth is that very few biological women experience an orgasm by having vaginal-penile intercourse. For a biological man to experience an orgasm, his penis has to be stimulated. For a woman, it’s mostly her clitoris. Intense—often violent—penetration, the way it’s shown in porn, would be painful and unpleasant rather than pleasurable for most women.

Yeah, but what about the G-spot? Isn’t that another way that women have an orgasm?

That’s an interesting thing. Porn can make it seem like there is this other place, inside a biological woman’s vagina, that can stimulate her to orgasm. The truth is that the so-called G-spot is really not a spot at all. It is really just a part of the clitoral network of nerves that are around the vagina. What’s interesting is that the clitoris is not just one small spot on the outside of the body. There are parts of the clitoris that extend inside as well. If those nerves are stimulated in just the right way, it may lead a woman to orgasm, but this is not how women most commonly experience orgasm. 

So, I don’t understand why people don’t know about this.

Right? Instead of watching porn, some people find that the best way to learn about sexual pleasure is by exploring their own body and learning what feels good for them. Everyone experiences pleasure differently. Then, when someone is thinking about having sex with another person, it is essential they feel comfortable sharing and listening to what is pleasurable for both.

Can we please be done with this conversation?

Well, for now, yes. There is a lot more that I need to tell you about porn because I believe it is really destructive to how men and women relate to each other and how they see themselves. But for now, I just want you to know that each of us has a responsibility to explore and understand our own body and our own way of experiencing pleasure. And good sex happens when two people can share what they’ve learned about themselves with each other.

Okay. I got it.

Thank you for having this conversation with me.